Interview Questions- What I REALLY Want to Say

I hate job interviews. 

All those hypothetical questions. All those phony answers. I know, employers want a good fit for their organization. It’s not enough to be competent in doing the job. They want to know if I’ll be a team player. Can I get along with others? Can I suck up to the powers that be that are running the show? In other words, will I sufficiently stroke the egos of the men in charge, while not making the women who’ve clawed their way up feel threatened?

I was recently practicing answering the questions again, looking for the “right” answers to give. For once, I’d like to tell an employer what I REALLY think. It would go something like this.

So tell us a little bit about you.

I have an intrinsic need to help people. I think it comes from the fact that when I was a kid I was told I’d never amount to anything because I wasn’t pretty. As a young adult I was fool enough to think I could make a difference in the world. Today I know better, but I’m too old to change career paths. Besides, who’s going to hire a bitter old woman like me for an entry level position when they could have an upbeat younger woman with perky tits? So why hire me? I know what documentation you need to cover your ass in case a disaster hits. Perky tits are great to look at, but they won’t save you from being fired, or worse, going to jail.

Why are you a good candidate for this position?

I am intelligent, hard-working, caring, and dependable. I’m also a woman, which means you can get twice as much work out of me for less than the cost of one man. Of course, I won’t be hanging out with you after work like a guy would, and I’m not a woman you’d be interested in screwing, which are definite drawbacks. But with my talent and hard work, you can look good to the higher-ups at my expense.

What is your greatest weakness?

I value competence in myself and in others. I work hard to be competent at whatever I do, and I don’t suffer buffoons. Unfortunately, that sometimes leads to other workers, including supervisors, becoming jealous of me. I compensate for this weakness by “dumbing it down,” so as to not make anyone feel the need to stab me in the back.

Tell me of a time you had to make a tough decision, and how you handled it. 

Well, let me see, there was this guy I worked with that always got the plumb assignments, which in turn, got him lots of attention from the higher-ups. I complained, because it seemed to me he was getting preferential treatment because he was a man. I was told I was just being sore and not a team player, and besides, if I’d only work harder, I’d get better assignments too. So I shut up and worked twice as hard while nothing changed and the guy got promoted. I eventually found another job and quit.

Tell me of a time you had to handle conflict with a co-worker.

I was working with this man in a workplace where the majority of employees were women. He was, of course, well-loved because he had a penis. For months I watched this guy sit around checking Facebook while I was struggling to stay caught up in my work. One day my supervisor suggested I wouldn’t struggle so if only I would ask for help from the male worker. I replied that I’d already tried, but my co-worker only helped me when he felt like it, so I quit wasting my time asking. My supervisor’s response was to send the male employee to a conference.  I eventually found another job and quit. 

Tell me a time when you were able to make a positive change in the workplace.

Oh, that’s easy! I saw that we were not effectively using our work hours as a unit, so I had a talk with the male supervisor about it. He didn’t seem interested in my idea. However, in a manager’s meeting the following week, he shared his ideas on how to more effectively use work hours. His idea was put into effect, and he was hailed as a forward thinker. He soon got a promotion, and I got a new supervisor- the guy the old supervisor had been playing Call of Duty with for the past 6 months. I eventually found another job and quit. 

Where do you see yourself in five years?

Probably doing the same thing I’m doing now- looking for a different job. I no longer hold out hope I’ll find a place where women who just want to do the work are valued and nurtured, so I fully expect to roam for the remainder of my years.

31 thoughts on “Interview Questions- What I REALLY Want to Say

    1. I’ll bet your husband the attorney has already told you that I’d be too much of a liability. Nobody wants to hear the truth about anything.

  1. That reminds me of a coworker who made sexist remarks to me, when nobody else was around. I told him I’d kill him if he’d touch me. I was serious and he got scared. He changed his behaviour and became polite and friendly. That’s nothing one should write in a job application, I guess.

      1. It was before everybody had a smart phone. But if I had a smart phone, I could have recorded what HE said.

  2. I love your responses Jen, but it is so true that we’re still being treated as second class citizens in the workplace. Luckily for me I work with a man who has been given many awards for his stance on women in the workplace, but I’m looking forward to the day when the world is equal for women and men, and no big deal is made of it. Yeah, yeah … I know …

    1. You are very fortunate, but the fact remains you’re working for a man getting awards for doing something that women do every day, if only given a chance.

  3. I think the average workplace would be a lot better with a bit more honesty. If only the people who were efficient got the promotions rather than the people who say what the boss wants to hear!

    1. yep, I know what you mean. And when I was younger I actually believed them when they told me the problem was me. I’m older and wiser now, and I know the problem is systemic.

  4. Your answers would be hilarious if they weren’t quite so true. While we have come a little way since the 50’s, the miniscule progress can be disheartening. I for one won’t stop at least trying to make it different, that is until I find a job I can do an entrepreneurial setting so I don’t have to watch life’s inequities in the job market. At lease working for oneself is a small way women can advance.

    1. I can start my own business, but that won’t change the fact society sees women as less than men. I was pulling out of a shopping center parking lot last week and a guy almost clipped me, then had the nerve to stop and yell at me that it was MY fault! What an f’n jerk!

  5. I feel your pain, Jen, having spent almost 20 years in the corporate world with similar experiences. Getting “downsized” in 1992 was probably one of the best things that happened, despite the ensuing financial difficulties. It’s disheartening to know that not much has changed for women in the workforce since then. 😦 Good luck in your quest. I started my own business after that, and even though I make less money now, I’m much happier.

    1. I am in the money trap. But i’m starting to realize that maybe that trap is of my own making and it’s time to get go and move on.

  6. I would love to tell the truth like that in an interview. Instead, I say a load of BS and the truth shows in my eyes.

    Why do you want to work for us?

    Because you’re hiring.

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