I’ve been thinking about death lately.
Both June Buggie and Rumpy were sick, and I knew death was coming. Malachi, on the other hand, died suddenly.
I wonder what my death will be like… and when it will be. I’ve known my entire life that one day would be my last. But lately I’ve been closely in touch with my humanity.
One day Rumpy was here; the next he was gone. Same with June Buggie. Yet as much as I miss them, life has gone on. The same will happen when I die.
As I ponder the realities of death, I also think about my life. So much of my life has been spent either trying to fit in, or feeling bad about myself because I don’t. I am a square peg trying to fit into a round hole. Maybe it’s time to quit trying to fit in.
So what to do?
I will live my life in a way that makes me feel comfortable in my own skin. I know, we all, but especially we women, have many expectations put upon us to fit in in society. I have spent too much time hating on myself for not meeting those unrealistic standards. I’ll leave the hating to others and I will nurture a love of self.
I will wear what I want to wear, and not what a woman my age “should” wear (or whatever is available that fits). I’m going to stop cringing whenever I look in the mirror because I don’t look like a model on the cover of a fashion magazine. I don’t care if I never wear another dress in my life. Whenever possible, I’ll wear jeans.
I will ignore judgmental people, unless they don’t take a hint and keep bugging me, at which point I’m going to tell them to piss off. From my earliest memories, my life has been a series of experiences with people who would not accept me as is making their displeasure known. I cannot begin to express to you how hurtful that has been. Not that they cared; for them it was all about trying to make me be what they thought I should be. Enough! I am what I am. Accept me or don’t, but if you don’t, keep it to yourself.
And finally, keep your religion to yourself. Honestly, how many times have others tried to force their beliefs on me. Look, we each have a right to believe whatever we want, including me. To me, your belief in god is about as realistic as a belief in leprechauns. Yet I’m expected to quietly accept your proselytizing and prayers? Nope. I will be polite and respectful until you try to force your beliefs on me. Don’t want to listen to me downplay your beliefs as ridiculous? Then don’t start the argument by telling me why I ought to believe like you do.
I wrote this yesterday and wondered if I should post it, so I sat on it to think. Why do I hesitate? Am I truly sincere in my desire to live the rest of my life on my terms? Yes? Then what better way to start than to make public my declaration?
One day my last day on this earth will come. What do I want to think about my life on that day? Will I want to know I was what someone else thought I should be, or that I was the person I always wanted to be? The choice is mine to make.