The Kavanaugh nomination has elicited in me a response that I did not at all expect: Terror.
Welcome to the politically-generated mass triggering of survivors who are dealing with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.
For me it started during the hearing last Thursday, and has been a week of practicing every skill at my disposal to feel what I feel and acknowledge the terror as valid, even if I cannot match a specific memory to the feeling. For you doubters, first of all, fuck off. Then imagine sitting quietly in your home and suddenly feeling like your chest is sporting an open, gaping wound that burns as if it’s on fire while simultaneously experiencing overwhelming fear and having to remind yourself to breathe. Through all that, try to write down your feelings because you don’t want to fucking feel this way for the rest of your life.
I don’t listen to NPR because they, along with every other news site, are all things Trump all the time. I avoid Twitter and Facebook because it’s all there, and each time that Big Orange turd opens his mouth, he triggers me yet again. Oh, and if you are a Trump supporter, fuck off.
My cats have become Emotional Support Companions. Together we sit on the sofa or lie on the bed, and they comfort me. I rub their fur and scratch their chins as their purrs lower my heart rate and calm my anxiety.
I am furious that our pain is being used against us, that we are being mocked and ridiculed. We are still not believed. I am furious that so many survivors are suffering these indignities right now not only at the hands of our elected officials, but with the support of our neighbors. Our (former) friends. Our family members. Once again we’re given the message that our pain doesn’t matter. Suck it up buttercup; it’s for the good of the country. What garbage!
If you are in the same boat as I am, get whatever help and support you need to heal. Stay away from toxic people. And whatever you do, vote in November. Let’s show these misogynistic assholes that we want to live in a world where survivors matter more than perpetrators.
FYI: Some politicians do understand. You’ve heard the sound bite. Now hear Senator Kamela Harris’ entire comments about survivors of sexual assault.