Why I Suck at Dating

I recently met a man for dinner.

This is not a small thing; it’s the first recent date I’ve had. I thought it went well, but I thought wrong. I haven’t heard from him since.

Graybie helping me work

Social interactions, especially in dating situations, confuse and frustrate me. I used to think there was something seriously wrong until I was introduced to the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. I’m not weird; I’m just different. I’m an INTJ, a fairly rare type, especially in women. I seek meaning in things. I’m decisive and hold myself to high standards. I believe that it’s more important to be just than to be right. I’m nerdy, arrogant, and not the least bit interested in your silly rules. The easiest way to throw me for a loop? Add social engagement to the mix.

Throughout life I’ve been schooled on the intricacies of human interaction and how to adapt. I act more outgoing or traditional than I am. It’s become so commonplace there aren’t many people who’ve seen me at my core, and if they have they assumed I was angry or sullen.

This is Burt. He’s my mom’s cat.

But adapting throws a wrench in the dating game. I’m unsure of the right mix of being engaging in order to get to know a man while showing my true colors. If I think he’s not interested in getting to know who I am I become disinterested and bug out. I don’t pick up on or connect specific types of behavior as engaging friendship or flirting. I can’t always discern the meaning hidden within a dating bio; to me they all look the same.

My ideal companion has interests other than riding a bicycle and travel. Are you interested in getting off the bike and getting to know me? Are you willing to forego the fancy restaurant to eat burgers in the park and feed the ducks? Would you stay up late to gaze at the stars and ponder the possibility of life on other planets? Can you hold your own in an argument over a concept you hold dear but I think is shit and not ghost me afterward?

Hissy in the window

Life is short, so if I want something I should just say so. After all, the worst thing to happen is I’m told no, and no is far better than never knowing. So is regret. I regret a lot of things I’ve done in my life, but at least I did them. This entire dating thing frustrates the hell out of me but nothing ventured nothing gained so I’m going to keep trying… for now.

Wish me luck. I need it.


25 thoughts on “Why I Suck at Dating

  1. I can absolutely relate; I’m an INTJ also. I’m on my 3rd marriage-and we’re having our 24th anniversary next month. So, the winning husband is also an INTJ. I finally feel understood and accepted. We approach things from different strengths, but we can both accept each other’s need to be alone fairly frequently. We make decisions well together, and it has been good. It was such a relief to find each other. Good luck finding some one who fits you just as well. INTJs are the only type encouraged by MBTI to find relationships in the same type. There are some women’s INTJ groups on FB if you are looking for peers.

      1. They can be pretty sharp, saying things out loud that I usually just think! Sometimes it gets gross – I don’t think any INTJ is qualified to give relationship advice, so I skip those posts. Amazingly, lots of INTJs have relationship issues. Who would have guessed? Apparently, no one expects us to be the way we are!

      2. It is so tiring, and I’m not sure it pays off. I still don’t feel like I fit in, because I don’t.

  2. I can’t even imagine going out on a date again. Current husband is more introverted than me but it somehow works. I’m an ENTP but my E is weak. Good luck to you. Admire your stamina to keep trying.

  3. I did a survey thingie the other day and can’t remember what I came out as. Hubby put an ad in the paper and I answered. Both of us were coming out of bad relationships so were cynical and had a lot of baggage. That was over 31 years ago and we’ve been married 29 of those, second time for both of us.
    Good luck.

  4. Oh Jen it sounds like this Dating deal is a quagmire of confusion…I tried to get to know a few men after my 2006 ordeal…I’d moved into this place & it seemed I attracted alot of men…they all wanted sex…they all were superficial buffoons. Even the Jewish men friends tried to set me up with. All in all, it was a disaster. For me.
    Do not lose hope. You are a great lady…now to find that great man who is your match!
    Sending ((hugs)) & ❤ Sherri-Ellen & **purrss** BellaDharma

  5. hey, marrried whatever that word means for 51 years and it grows worse and more puzzling by the day…sometimes by the hour. do not even pursue such a state…if i were not so ancient i would write a self-help book or a tale of old age when nobody gives a damn if you live or die? i still find the comedy in it all when i am not immobilized by the spookiness of it all. mythologies duped my ass when i was not cautious enough once upon a time? i guess i blame myself? why not? everybody else does? i’ll just get in line and blame myself, too? i adore your honesty…nobody but the two of us ever ever tells it like it all the way is. as far as advice that’s crap always, too…and tsk tsk tsking is so insincere. BUT if somebody took me seriously and then behind my back ran off with this groom of mine, i could breathe again? love your writing and your devotion to animals and your photographs…i have taken such a quantity of pix of many of my babies that i could wallpaper windsor castle!

  6. I have found more people worth having a conversation with in the blogging world than in real life. I have less patience with the superficial and the need to fit in than I did when I was younger.

  7. Wishing You the BEST of Luck 🙂 I have been with my mister for 20 years – married for 16 years. I could not imagine dating again. I have a few friends a few years older than me that give me hope that dating and long-term dating can happen. If I ever had to get back out there. Just having and building on friendships is enough at times for me. Good Luck – Take Care – Be Safe – Have FUN & ENJOY!!!

  8. “Are you interested in getting off the bike and getting to know me?” That is the question, isn’t it?Astute, real and funny. Dating is like trying to find a needle in a hay stack.
    Good luck and good hunting!!!!

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