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mental health, True Confessions

All Dressed Up and Nowhere to Go

I knew when I started ugly crying in the shower this morning that this week is going to be really bad.

I put up a Tinder profile before Thanksgiving looking for a date for New Year’s Eve. Here we are three days out and I have no date.

So what?

I was alone for Thanksgiving. I was alone for Christmas. Neither was that big a deal because those days are obligatory celebrations anyway.

But New Year’s Eve is time you spend with someone because you want to, and it sucks knowing no one wants to spend it with me.

No, it’s more than that.

I grew up being told I am not lovable. I am not wanted. I am a burden. I am not loved. I don’t talk about this because this is my core pain, and people like you who have no clue what it’s like to grow up that way tend to minimize its effects on me. You think I’m probably making a big deal out of nothing. That I should grow the fuck up and get over it. That you know my relatives and out of the whole bunch I’m the only one that’s crazy so the problem must be me. Lucky for me I don’t give a fuck what you think. I know that in a court of law impact holds more weight than intent. For me the impact was devastating, so much so that to this day I still believe it’s true. So spare me what you THINK the intent was.

Now you know why no one wanting to spend New Year’s Eve with me hurts so damned bad. Yet again they were right and I’m not wanted. I’m not lovable.

I’ve thought of throwing up another profile just to see if maybe someone bites. Would it really make a difference? Probably not, but at least I wouldn’t sit at home alone and be fucking miserable. Hookups work for people like me; for a little while someone actually wants to be with me and that sure as hell beats nothing.

Don’t feel sorry for me, and for fuck’s sake don’t make stupid comments you think will make me feel better. They won’t. If you understand where I’m coming from you know there is nothing you can say that will make me feel better, and if you don’t, well, you just don’t.

About Jen and the Furries

Hello and welcome. I’m a 50 something woman who’s probably awake when she should be sleeping. Oh, and there are animals, because who doesn’t have pets?

Discussion

14 thoughts on “All Dressed Up and Nowhere to Go

  1. Nope nothing will heal or take that away.
    Know exactly what you mean about the type of childhood –
    Make them all sorry – survive anyway.

    Posted by philosophermouseofthehedge | December 28, 2020, 11:45 AM
  2. Back in the 70’s, Linda Ronstadt released a song called “Someone to Lay Down Beside me” that expresses your sentiment. It has resonated with me for many years. I was raised similarly, having each perceived rejection build upon a solid foundation of feeling unlovable. Take care.

    Posted by KDKH | December 28, 2020, 7:36 PM
  3. i COULD be with you…because i DO identify! Pretend I am at your house along with anderson and andy….sometimes being with someone in this disconnected self-centered world of conning and pretentiousness is worse than being alone….your mind is a treasure. i relish your thoughts. they mean a great deal to me. we are not crazed, we are special. i totally love you, Jen. we may be from another solar system and got put on the wrong assembly line…people here do not know what they are missing. raw truth never hurt anybody. it is essential. happy new year, wonderful soul!

    Posted by Susie Sexton | December 28, 2020, 11:15 PM
  4. I had a difficult childhood. I hear you.

    Posted by Clowie | December 29, 2020, 2:02 AM
  5. Your followers are real people who love you. I know I am one.

    Posted by Andrea Kenner | December 30, 2020, 11:04 AM
  6. Despite what you may think. You are not alone. And all the weirdo’s need to stick together! So say all of us? Hear! Hear! Cheers,H

    Posted by helentastic67 | January 2, 2021, 3:12 AM

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