No, I didn’t go out on New Years Eve. I sat home alone and went to bed around 10pm. No one wanted to spend the evening with me. So now this is my cover photo on Facebook:
And why shouldn’t it be? It’s what my brain has been telling me all week. Yes, Jen, YOU are a fucking loser. You couldn’t even get someone to spend time with you with an offer of free pussy.
I’d been talking to two men since before Thanksgiving. Both of these men met me when I posted a profile saying I wanted to go out for New Years. Both texted me daily, and I’d actually met one of them in person, but neither expressed interest in wanting to spend New Years Eve with me. So I put up another profile as a last-ditch effort to find that date. I didn’t, but what I did find is the guy I’d met in person, who I allowed to be friends with me on Facebook, who got to know a lot about me personally, had been on Tinder the entire time swiping right on every woman he saw. How do I know this? Because he swiped right on me, and when I asked him about it he admitted he didn’t realize it was me, he was just swiping right on women. That cut to the core.
I’m not talking to either man any longer. Thing one for obvious reasons, but Thing two because if he can’t be bothered to do something for me that’s that important to me then he’s not someone worth wasting my time on.
I’ve been posting memes that pretty accurately describe how I feel right now, and I’ve found that they’ve either made people feel uncomfortable or they don’t give a shit. I can post a photo of Molly and get 30 likes easy. I can post one of these memes and….. silence. One person has reached out to me. One. The rest of you better not post anything about wanting to be there for others when they’re down because I’m sure gonna call you on your crap.
Why am I posting this stuff anyway? Because I don’t know how else to express how I feel and how it feels to be me right now, and I have to express this. My other option is shutting down, and I refuse to do that again. I shut down in my 30s and gained 200 pounds. I shut down in my 40s and went 10 years without any sort of intimacy. No friends. No sex. No love. Nothing. The lights were on, but no one was home. It won’t be pretty but I’m going to put it out there. I’m going to feel it. Express it. And heal.
I’m also going to keep looking for love because I deserve to have that. Which means there will likely be other jerks to come. I assure you each will get skewered here in a way they richly deserve. My only regret is I’m not famous so they’ll know about it.
So here’s to 2021. It’s going to be messy AF over here,. If you can’t handle that, best you head on out now.
31 thoughts on “Down and Dirty (and Uncomfortable for Some)”
Facebook never sends your posts my way! I post remotely, Facebook has been too loud for me. Be honest, don’t shut down. Our society never gave women older than about 25 much of a chance. I’m kind of glad menopause and the resulting lack of estrogen took care of those questions for me. No looking, no wondering. No need to worry about a guy who’s lining up women he thinks don’t know about each other. Hoping 2021 turns things around in a lot of ways.
Wish that would have happened with me.
You’re right. People don’t t know how to handle someone else’s depression, anxiety, or loneliness. It’s easier for them to pretend it’s just not there. I have anxiety. I love when people tell me to think of other things. Think “happy and relaxing” thoughts. If it was that’s damn easy, no one would have anxiety or depression. It sucks. It’s so unfair, because we physically cannot help it. Please know you are NOT alone. Please feel free to dm me any time.
Thank you. When people say those things they imply that I am purposely doing this to myself. I tend to want to verbally punch them in the neck.
@Rumpy’s Kitty Siblings – I’m a Holistic therapist, an energy-worker if you will. At NO financial cost to you, and purely to see if what I do could assist you, would you be willing to see if I can help you alleviate all this ‘mental torture’ in some way? E-mail: firstname.lastname@example.org
I never venture onto FB these days, but I’m on Twitter on a fairly regular basis and you can reach me on this email.
Thank you. I appreciate how you reach out to me.
I’ve sent you a DM on Twitter.
keep that honesty and that sense of humor always. trying that experiment myself in my very old age and so wish i had been as smart before this late date. seeing so much more in retro tv which i lived much of my life in real time attending to actually instead of venturing into the world at large…and during my rocking chair viewing i am seeing how many hints at good sense i failed to recognize decades back. i am living a twilight zone serialized programming myself these days. i wish to come out alive instead of all the dizziness and breathlessness and nearly passing out i am doing. do i blame the plague, the politics, the non-workable societal institutions and traditions i bought into? i refuse to blame myself in spite of daily close-by criticisms and ads touting feelgood drugs and beauty products and this and that. praying in my way for girls to be counted as people one fine day. ugh! seems like that is thuddly bumpy in its evolution. love you and your mind, jen! our minds matter….our expressions of our thoughts matter, too!
They matter to me anyway. My recovery depends on me regurgitating these random hair balls, no matter how gross they can be.
agree beyond measure….indeed i do! thanks for always sharing!
Hey? I spent New Years alone. Hasn’t been the 1st time……i respect that you are putting yourself out there. I hear you on the celibacy-thing. For me its been longer……if it was just about a shag? I could get that easily. I want the whole package. Cheers,H
The whole package would be nice but, realistically, the odds of that happening are pretty damn slim. And this was more about my feelings of worth than anything else anyway.
No, you can’t take it solely upon your shoulders re self-worth, or it presently being low. The men out there we meet in the on-line world: so many of them have two lives. 1) the one their real 3D physical world family and friends believe they know, and 2) their on-line surfing electronic world life. That second persona can be mostly narcissistic and verging on sociopathic in regard to women they connect with and meet in person, that they’d initially met on-line. So many of these guys are so closed off and shut-down from their feelings and emotions. Us women they meet on-line are no different in their scope of mind-set to the images of women they view on-line for their personal time ‘entertainment’: one dimensional, empty, unfeeling, not real. It’s not the fault of these guys though – it’s how society has moulded them to believe they have to be when it comes to being a ‘man.’ Detached from their Hearts so they show no weaknesses in this ‘dog eat dog’ world. They have had no real-life ‘training’ in emotions – and they’re certainly not going to learn that from the internet – what emotions are, or how to ‘be’ present with emotions when with a real-life woman. It’s spiraling out of control: the guys stuck and out of reach from connecting and being with ‘feeling’ women that COULD bring them back from the brink, for the both of us. All thanks to the electronic age supposedly making the world smaller and bringing us all closer….. It’s not bringing Hearts closer though. It’s not our fault, it’s not their fault. It’s no-one’s fault, other than modern ‘progress’ observing us all under the microscope of this social experiment world we all, sadly, now live in.
It always amazes me that, no matter how raw my pain, there will invariably come along some well-meaning soul who thinks that my knowing the motives of the abusive person will somehow make me feel better. In case you were wondering, I don’t give a fuck about what he’s going through. And if you do, you’re not welcome here.
Wow – what do you want then, when people reach out to you, via you reaching out through your blog? If you re-read my comment, I tried lifting you up, to help you get through to the other side, yet you threw it back at me and swore at me, you were rude and plain angry, at me! I know full well ‘hurt people, hurt people,’ but lashing out at me isn’t the answer. Understanding why people do what they do DOES help. Which is why I know why you are angry: you’re hurt. We’ve all been there, not just you. You’ll get through t.
You are worth more than anyone else can make you feel? And men are pretty simplistic? Don’t worry i still want one too! Cheers,H
This aspect of it healing, in all honesty, has nothing to do with wanting a relationship. It’s about feeling wanted. I wasn’t wanted as a child and I knew that every day.
Some of us don’t know exactly what to say. I wish you weren’t going through this (and you do too) but I don’t have any suggestions. NYE is nothing really special to me. I’ve spent many of them alone or with non-romantic friends. This year my husband was asleep by 10 so I watched the shows on TV with the cats. I don’t know how to say hang in there and people are wishing you the best without annoying you. Hugs.
Yeah I guess I should explain. I spent thanksgiving and Christmas alone. I simply wanted – needed – one holiday where one person wanted to be with me. But it didn’t happen.
I think a lot of people, myself included spent every holiday alone this year. I know that doesn’t help when you are feeling lonely. Try to remember it is an exceptionally weird year and it’s NOT because of anything you did or are. You are stronger than this and you will get through it.
No, it doesn’t help, but I’m sure you mean well. Thanks.
I spent much of my 20s and 30s spending my holidays alone, and I see the need for a little physical comfort. I can see how this feels like you were unwanted, but you might also consider that the pool of men was lower, too, due to COVID. As COVID goes away, the pool of men should expand, and they will be just as interested as you. So, maybe in another year, things will be better (groan). But what about now? I can see the frustration.
It is what it is. I just gotta own where I am today and move on.
INTJs turn to sensory pursuits when stressed. All can be unhealthy when overdone. Popular entries would be sex, eating food, smoking, drinking alcohol, etc.
Yes I’ve done all of those. My latest sensory pursuit is raking leaves. Seems to be a healthier choice, though sex does give me an oxytocin high that can alleviate my depressive symptoms for 2-3 days.
Never been on FB or any other social media other than my blog. Lucky for me though I’ve been married to Hubby 30 years this May, but 33 years ago life was not so good. Nervous Breakdown, asshole alcoholic partner, shit street, and pills all colours of the rainbow. Depression never goes away, but at least I can deal with it on my terms now. Hope 2021 is a better year for you Jen.
Thanks. So do I.
Hey Jen! I don’t get any of your FB posts so didn’t know what you were posting. I don’t do much there anyway. I know people may be uncomfortable but don’t stop posting. It is therapeutic to post how you really feel. It’s honest even if other people don’t like it, understand it, or have pat answers to your problem. I don;t have any answers. I gave up on getting dates and dating in general a long time ago. I do have great friends who love me like I am. But it took a while to find them. I have found that when my depression gets bad it helps me to just take one day at a time and do whatever I can do that day. No lists, goals, or expectations. If it gets done, great. If not, oh well tomorrow is another day. I do know you can’t control how other people think, feel, act, or what they do. And most of the time they aren’t going to give you what you want or need. What I do know is that you have to find out and do what is best for you, not anyone else. Take care of you first.
I am a very high-functioning depressive person; which is both a blessing and a curse. So for me when I’m depressed what I have to do is different for what may work for you. I have to express myself on some way so I can get in touch with what has triggered me and why.
That’s good! One of the things that I have found is that everyone’s depression is different and how people need to deal with it is different too. That’s why I don’t have answers other than find out what works for you. No one else can tell you how to deal with what you feel or are going through.If expressing how you feel works for you, then do that and don’t worry about what others think. They aren’t living your life and really have no idea what you’re going through.