No, I didn’t go out on New Years Eve. I sat home alone and went to bed around 10pm. No one wanted to spend the evening with me. So now this is my cover photo on Facebook:
And why shouldn’t it be? It’s what my brain has been telling me all week. Yes, Jen, YOU are a fucking loser. You couldn’t even get someone to spend time with you with an offer of free pussy.
I’d been talking to two men since before Thanksgiving. Both of these men met me when I posted a profile saying I wanted to go out for New Years. Both texted me daily, and I’d actually met one of them in person, but neither expressed interest in wanting to spend New Years Eve with me. So I put up another profile as a last-ditch effort to find that date. I didn’t, but what I did find is the guy I’d met in person, who I allowed to be friends with me on Facebook, who got to know a lot about me personally, had been on Tinder the entire time swiping right on every woman he saw. How do I know this? Because he swiped right on me, and when I asked him about it he admitted he didn’t realize it was me, he was just swiping right on women. That cut to the core.
I’m not talking to either man any longer. Thing one for obvious reasons, but Thing two because if he can’t be bothered to do something for me that’s that important to me then he’s not someone worth wasting my time on.
I’ve been posting memes that pretty accurately describe how I feel right now, and I’ve found that they’ve either made people feel uncomfortable or they don’t give a shit. I can post a photo of Molly and get 30 likes easy. I can post one of these memes and….. silence. One person has reached out to me. One. The rest of you better not post anything about wanting to be there for others when they’re down because I’m sure gonna call you on your crap.
Why am I posting this stuff anyway? Because I don’t know how else to express how I feel and how it feels to be me right now, and I have to express this. My other option is shutting down, and I refuse to do that again. I shut down in my 30s and gained 200 pounds. I shut down in my 40s and went 10 years without any sort of intimacy. No friends. No sex. No love. Nothing. The lights were on, but no one was home. It won’t be pretty but I’m going to put it out there. I’m going to feel it. Express it. And heal.
I’m also going to keep looking for love because I deserve to have that. Which means there will likely be other jerks to come. I assure you each will get skewered here in a way they richly deserve. My only regret is I’m not famous so they’ll know about it.
So here’s to 2021. It’s going to be messy AF over here,. If you can’t handle that, best you head on out now.