Happy birthday to me! I am 50+ years young. It’s not that I’m ashamed of my age, but I probably shouldn’t give away my DOB here. I’m actually proud how long I’ve lasted; a lot of chronically depressed people don’t make it this far.
This is the first birthday I can recall not being depressed. As was the case for a string of holidays before, I will be spending this day alone. No, it’s not how I had hoped it would be, but it is what it is.
I found myself feeling sorry for myself for that very reason this past week. I’m still not good at identifying feelings, but when I found myself back on a dating site wading through the same shit I’ve waded through before and asking myself why was I doing this, I figured it out. The dating profile came down. Then came the tears. How can this be so fucking difficult? How can I have worked so hard to get myself together only to still struggle with the things that others in life take for granted?
Then I remembered something a wise man told me a long time ago. At the time I didn’t find him wise but more of a wiseass, but I digress. The wise guy told me, “You don’t get what you want. You don’t even get what you need. You get what you get.”
Things may not always be this way. Or they could be. Irregardless, it’s what I have now. So how will I choose to live this day? I think instead of whining about what I don’t have I’ll be glad for what I do.
I had planned to take myself to the beach, then I woke up last week to heat pouring from the vents, even though the a/c was on. I’d hoped it would be the thermostat, but no, I needed a new unit. So no beach trip. The technicians started installing the unit Monday and today will be Day Three. That knocks out the treating myself to brunch. So I think I’m going to repair my riding lawn mower. I got on YouTube and watched some videos and now I’m convinced I can do it. Look for another in my occasional series of DIY blog posts. Let’s hope this project doesn’t take 4 days.
I’m also posting this blog post to shamelessly solicit your good wishes. I may not have people in my life who can personally spend time with me today, but I have those of you who regularly come to read my posts, and I appreciate each of you. Not so much the ones that hit the like button so I’ll do the same on their post so they can make money, but, at least they come by, eh?
Thanks for reading, and for spending a few moments of my birthday with me. You’re the best!