Last night I meditated on what I want in my life and what I am ready to receive.
This is a time for change, and I am making tons of them.
I took an annual day yesterday and got rid of a bunch of stuff I had been holding onto.
This stuff has been sitting in my house for a year. Why? Guilt. Oh, I didn’t know that at the time. I would have told you I hadn’t yet decided what to do with it. Maybe refinish it. Paint it and decorate it. Yet I had taken no action for a year, and had no honest reason why. So out it went. Yes, I moved every bit of that to the road myself, with the help of a handy wagon. Letting go is never easy. But once I saw it all out there I realized it was nothing more than a bunch of junk. Someone else is holding onto it now, because half of it has been pilfered. Pity they didn’t take it all.
Yesterday afternoon I took Molly to see a different vet. She told me Molly’s teeth are awful. I told the vet the rescue claimed her teeth were cleaned right before I adopted her and she replied she’d never saw a rescue pay for a dental. Makes sense, so why did they tell me they did if they didn’t?
The vet also recommended surgery to remove at least some of the huge lipoma on her chest. My former vet had initially not recommended surgery because of her age, but a year later wanted to refer me to a surgical specialist. I didn’t bother to tell her the rescue claimed their vet had “drained” the lipoma, because even I know you don’t drain fatty tissue. If you could, we’d all be getting cosmetic surgery.
And that’s what it’s like to suddenly see the truth after holding onto lies. One minute you’re looking at an organ as a valuable family heirloom and the next you’re looking at a piece of shit thrust upon you because no one else wanted it. Or you’re looking at a dog near death and suddenly you realize she’s still very much alive. I didn’t know I was choosing to hold on to lies. In Molly’s case, I had no way of knowing I was being lied to, because I’m not an animal medical professional. And the furniture? It’s another example of the systemic lies I’ve told myself because that was how I was programmed to think as a child. My needs and wants don’t matter; it’s what others want that does – even if what they want is for me to hold onto their garbage.
I saw this recently:
If a person shuts me out of their life, I move on. Not these chuckleheads. They have to keep trying to weasel their way back into my life, but if I let them in they’ll only do their damndest to make me feel miserable again. And this is why; they have nothing to offer but bullshit and they resent my authenticity.
I’ve been listening to Brittany Howard’s album “Jaime” again. It all sounds so different now, and it dawned on me it’s the first time I’ve heard the album since I woke up. Ms. Howard is from the same town as me, the town where I live now, and when I hear the line from “I Just Wanna Stay High” where she says, “‘Cause where I come from everybody frowns and walks around with that ugly thing on their face, ” I know exactly what she’s talking about. It’s still true. And when I listen to “Goat Head” I now wonder if I know the person(s) who slashed her daddy’s tires and left the goat head in the back of his truck. Was it a relative of mine? Someone I went out with once? This is why we need truth and reconciliation. Instead the state’s education board has followed the lead of other racist southern states and outlawed the teaching of Critical Race Theory.
When I hear Brittany Howard sing “He Loves Me,” I hear the freedom I am now experiencing. It’s an amazing work of art and if you haven’t listened to it lately, I highly encourage you to do so. The reimagined album is good, but the original is better.
Today may your truth set you free.
15 thoughts on “I Think it’s Time for a Change”
Your meme is so true. One of the reasons we left my home town was because we were living our lives for other people, they were draining us with their demands, and giving nothing back.
Hope Molly is doing OK.
I’d been gone for years but came back to finally heal. It has been the hardest thing I e ever done, but it – and I – am worth it.
Good for you Jen. Hubby has no family and since my Mum died, family in my home town have no interest in us. That’s OK though as I know where I stand now.
Nothing like ‘letting go’ of things you really don’t want or need. I remember as each of my family died, everyone wanted me to take all the deceased person’s stuff….what does 1 person need with 4 sets of dishes? Or clothes not my style or that don’t fit? Or furniture I don’t need? My treasures are the photo albums; the Diaries; the poetry written & 1 or 2 special items like The Red Lady Statue. She is red & gold & brown & has long hair. My Sister who is adopted & black never liked the statue….I saw my Sister & I IN that statue & I saw the LOVE my Ma did have for us; altho’ she was too messed up to express it! I admit when Nanna passed I adopted her Tobacco Stand as my prayer altar & both nite table stands as they were made here in town & I used them as a child here. A feel good memory. I have my Great Grandmother’s brass Sabbath Candelsticks also. There is nothing in my place I don’t need or want. And to be free of so many ‘things’ is wonderful.
As we know 1 person’s trash is someone else’s treasure!
(((hugs))) Sherri-Ellen & ***purrss*** BellaDharma
I think maybe they don’t feel guilty about discarding the shit if it’s discarded on a relative they see as “needy.” I was always The Crazy One and to be pitied. Never mind that was a lie they made up to hurt me.
I went thru that too Jen. My Ma donated her vinyl flaming orange couch & chair to my 2nd hubby & I.
All I wanted to do was light it on fire! I left marriage after 6 months…more to get away from the furniture than the man!!!! Seriously….
Good on you Jen, keep sieving the wheat from the chaff.
I am going to do just that! Thanks!
Wow! Way to go! That clearout must have created some lovely space for you – literally and figuratively.
That statement is so true – they had nothing to give. They needed someone to take their frustrations out on.
I’ve just spent an hour or so on YouTube listening to a new (to me) artist – thanks to you!
She also recorded with the Alabama Shakes and was their primary writer. That is good too.!
Thank you, I’ll listen to them as well.
Here’s to continued self-discovery and reflection!
May the journey continue until this life ends.