Last night I meditated on what I want in my life and what I am ready to receive.
This is a time for change, and I am making tons of them.
I took an annual day yesterday and got rid of a bunch of stuff I had been holding onto.
This stuff has been sitting in my house for a year. Why? Guilt. Oh, I didn’t know that at the time. I would have told you I hadn’t yet decided what to do with it. Maybe refinish it. Paint it and decorate it. Yet I had taken no action for a year, and had no honest reason why. So out it went. Yes, I moved every bit of that to the road myself, with the help of a handy wagon. Letting go is never easy. But once I saw it all out there I realized it was nothing more than a bunch of junk. Someone else is holding onto it now, because half of it has been pilfered. Pity they didn’t take it all.
Yesterday afternoon I took Molly to see a different vet. She told me Molly’s teeth are awful. I told the vet the rescue claimed her teeth were cleaned right before I adopted her and she replied she’d never saw a rescue pay for a dental. Makes sense, so why did they tell me they did if they didn’t?
The vet also recommended surgery to remove at least some of the huge lipoma on her chest. My former vet had initially not recommended surgery because of her age, but a year later wanted to refer me to a surgical specialist. I didn’t bother to tell her the rescue claimed their vet had “drained” the lipoma, because even I know you don’t drain fatty tissue. If you could, we’d all be getting cosmetic surgery.
And that’s what it’s like to suddenly see the truth after holding onto lies. One minute you’re looking at an organ as a valuable family heirloom and the next you’re looking at a piece of shit thrust upon you because no one else wanted it. Or you’re looking at a dog near death and suddenly you realize she’s still very much alive. I didn’t know I was choosing to hold on to lies. In Molly’s case, I had no way of knowing I was being lied to, because I’m not an animal medical professional. And the furniture? It’s another example of the systemic lies I’ve told myself because that was how I was programmed to think as a child. My needs and wants don’t matter; it’s what others want that does – even if what they want is for me to hold onto their garbage.
I saw this recently:
If a person shuts me out of their life, I move on. Not these chuckleheads. They have to keep trying to weasel their way back into my life, but if I let them in they’ll only do their damndest to make me feel miserable again. And this is why; they have nothing to offer but bullshit and they resent my authenticity.
I’ve been listening to Brittany Howard’s album “Jaime” again. It all sounds so different now, and it dawned on me it’s the first time I’ve heard the album since I woke up. Ms. Howard is from the same town as me, the town where I live now, and when I hear the line from “I Just Wanna Stay High” where she says, “‘Cause where I come from everybody frowns and walks around with that ugly thing on their face, ” I know exactly what she’s talking about. It’s still true. And when I listen to “Goat Head” I now wonder if I know the person(s) who slashed her daddy’s tires and left the goat head in the back of his truck. Was it a relative of mine? Someone I went out with once? This is why we need truth and reconciliation. Instead the state’s education board has followed the lead of other racist southern states and outlawed the teaching of Critical Race Theory.
When I hear Brittany Howard sing “He Loves Me,” I hear the freedom I am now experiencing. It’s an amazing work of art and if you haven’t listened to it lately, I highly encourage you to do so. The reimagined album is good, but the original is better.
Today may your truth set you free.