What He’s Given Me

I met someone. I will call him Dan. That’s not his name, but it will do for now.

Photo by Lukas Rychvalsky on Pexels.com

He’s a very nice man, and he is a lot like the man in the poem I wrote back in April 2021 in the Sonnet for the Man that I Would Love. I wasn’t sure what would happen when I finally met someone, but what has happened is not at all what I expected. I’m actually learning much about me. For example:

Even though I am several years older than Dan, when it comes to relating to others, he is more mature than I am. I feel as though I’m a teenager with her first boyfriend and not the fifty-something woman I am. It’s all so confusing.

I need to feel safe. Dan is a big, strong, hairy guy with a gentle spirit. He can move me around like a sack of potatoes, yet when he was preparing to leave my home the first time he noticed my shoulder muscles were twitching, and asked about it. I didn’t even realize I was doing it until he said something. So I told him I was afraid I’d never see him again, because that’s what often happens. Vulnerability is hard.

Photo by Luis Dalvan on Pexels.com

I need to be known. I feel good when I first meet a man on a dating site and we seem to connect. I do the same thing on social media when a post garners a lot of attention. But when I don’t get the attention or it peters out, I feel lonely. So I post a cute pet photo or talk suggestively to a man.

I want Dan to stick around, but only if he accepts me as is. I keep reminding myself of this every time thoughts arise like, He hasn’t texted or texted me back. He didn’t agree with what I said. He’s not available to spend time together after all. ACK!!!!!!

I need to be touched. When he touched me I felt tense muscles immediately soften. When I touched him I felt his energy, and the connection made me feel stronger, more confident. I need people to connect with me. I need conversation, hugs, and pats on the back. I need caresses and kisses. I don’t realize how much I need it until I experience it.

I need to move on. Just as I have cut ties with my family of origin, I need to continue to cut ties with behaviors that no longer serve me well. I need other people in my life to help me make that happen.

Photo by Jenna Hamra on Pexels.com

Will this thing with Dan last? Who knows? But I feel confident that whatever happens, I will learn from it and keep moving forward.


16 thoughts on “What He’s Given Me

  1. This sounds so positive. It is amazing how much we can learn about ourselves when we are in an accepting relationship. And that is the key to happiness – learning enough about ourselves that we can find peace in the world, and someone to share it with.

  2. I hope it works out. There is an old saying that is something like “A perfect partner is one whose faults you can live with.” Let’s hope you both have compatible faults.

    1. Before you envy me, let me tell you that I spent much of Sunday howling in my pain. Something happened that triggered me and suddenly I was knee-deep in core pain and I’m like, where the hell did that come from? If this is what it’s gonna be like, I know now why I waited so long to go there. I’m just glad Dan didn’t witness that. I also hope that when he does some day, he can handle it.

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