I met someone. I will call him Dan. That’s not his name, but it will do for now.
He’s a very nice man, and he is a lot like the man in the poem I wrote back in April 2021 in the Sonnet for the Man that I Would Love. I wasn’t sure what would happen when I finally met someone, but what has happened is not at all what I expected. I’m actually learning much about me. For example:
Even though I am several years older than Dan, when it comes to relating to others, he is more mature than I am. I feel as though I’m a teenager with her first boyfriend and not the fifty-something woman I am. It’s all so confusing.
I need to feel safe. Dan is a big, strong, hairy guy with a gentle spirit. He can move me around like a sack of potatoes, yet when he was preparing to leave my home the first time he noticed my shoulder muscles were twitching, and asked about it. I didn’t even realize I was doing it until he said something. So I told him I was afraid I’d never see him again, because that’s what often happens. Vulnerability is hard.
I need to be known. I feel good when I first meet a man on a dating site and we seem to connect. I do the same thing on social media when a post garners a lot of attention. But when I don’t get the attention or it peters out, I feel lonely. So I post a cute pet photo or talk suggestively to a man.
I want Dan to stick around, but only if he accepts me as is. I keep reminding myself of this every time thoughts arise like, He hasn’t texted or texted me back. He didn’t agree with what I said. He’s not available to spend time together after all. ACK!!!!!!
I need to be touched. When he touched me I felt tense muscles immediately soften. When I touched him I felt his energy, and the connection made me feel stronger, more confident. I need people to connect with me. I need conversation, hugs, and pats on the back. I need caresses and kisses. I don’t realize how much I need it until I experience it.
I need to move on. Just as I have cut ties with my family of origin, I need to continue to cut ties with behaviors that no longer serve me well. I need other people in my life to help me make that happen.
Will this thing with Dan last? Who knows? But I feel confident that whatever happens, I will learn from it and keep moving forward.