Dissociation

Dissociation is a mental process of disconnecting from one’s thoughts, feelings, memories or sense of identity. Most mental health professionals believe that the underlying cause of dissociative disorders is chronic trauma in childhood. – Better Health Channel

One day, after living for fifty years 
in a dissociative state, I woke up
to discover thirty-seven trillion 
cells screaming my pain. Meanwhile, my brain was
telling them none of that ever happened
and that it wasn’t that bad, drama queens.
Now let’s overeat to drown it all out. 
My body carries the memories that
my brain refuses to accept as true.
Not only did they cruelly abuse me, 
they programmed me to do it to myself. 
And I was so desperate to please them 
I excelled in these dysfunctional skills. 
They said no one would ever love me so
I made damn sure no one would ever try. 
They said I was fat and ugly, so I
believed them, and I figured you did too. 
I wasn't aware I was doing this. 
Now I’m tasked with not only letting go 
of those memories trapped inside of me,
but also remaining aware of lies
my mind tells me and changing those patterns.
It’s strange, like finding out I need glasses 
when I thought the world was always blurry.
If you see me crying, or raging, it’s 
ok to ask, only if you’re sincere.
Hugs are appreciated, as are smiles.
And if you’d sit with me in silence to
show me I’m not alone, I’d be grateful.
And if I truly am alone, oh well.
Not like I’m not used to it. Soon enough
they will come, so I best get me ready. 
Flying into an orbital sunset above the Pacific Ocean by NASA Johnson is licensed under CC-BY-NC-ND 2.0

11 thoughts on “Dissociation

  1. You are not alone, I know someone who can heal and deliver you from the past trauma, pain and hurts his name is Jesus Christ Gods only Begotten son who died so that you and I may have life and life more abundantly. My Lord and Savior saved set me free and delivered me 4 and a half years ago if he did not come into my life then and delivered me, I would have never been here to write you and to tell you of his Unconditional Love and wonder working power. The Holy spirit of God is a comforter in whom he will give to whoever asks for it, what must you do to be saved? just believe in Jesus Christ and repent of your sins unto the Lord God Almighty and receive Jesus Christ in your heart as your personal Lord and Savior and ask him to deliver you and set you free. Your life will no Longer be the same, my abuse led me to live a lifestyle of lesbianism and then when I turned the age of 18 I began to medically transition into a man and I was living my life as a man. All Glory and Praise be unto God at the age of 25 he came and delivered me and set me free I was highly depressed, anxious, paranoid, angry, a functioning Alcoholic doing drugs, promiscuous, then I began to dabble in the Occult working witchcraft and doing Majic. In the midst of it all the Lord God Almighty came in and saved me and delivered me from all of that stuff i mentioned before and those former lifestyles, I wanted to die but I never had the courage to take my own life and I knew it was wrong. Jesus presented himself to me in the Knick of time and my life has not been the same I am 29 now going to be 30 in may, I am free from the oppression and bondage of my past and I look forward to each and every day and I have true genuine Peace might I add I LOVE being a woman versus before i hated it and wanted nothing to do with being a woman. Beloved Jesus Christ is knocking at the door of your heart he wants to deliver you and set you free !!!!. Gods Mercy and Grace endures forever the word of God tells us declares if we confess our sins he is Faithful and Just to forgive us. Beloved I want to let you know it is your season for a turn around in your life, you’ve been wondering when will things get better and change the Lord wants to let you know this is your time, He wants to use you for is Glory so that you can share your testimony to many and be made whole, you are fearfully and wonderfully made saith the Lord. Eyes have not seen Ears have not heard neither has it entered into the heart of man the things I have for you saith the Lord. Crying is healing when the Lord God Almighty touches you, you will begin to weep like a baby and when you do just allow him to touch you consider it not strange he is healing you. In the body of Christ we come from all sorts of backgrounds and many from abuse and all sorts of lifestyles, ETC. You have a call on your life to be used of God in a mighty way to bring liberty to many and lead them back to our heavenly Father he has brought you through everything, you may wonder how did you do it, he kept you so you can come back to him and praise him and have a relationship with him in the end. God Bless you in Jesus name Shalom.

    Also you will gain wisdom knowledge and understanding of the true enemy who is at work behind the scenes and learn how to walk in Victory in Christ Jesus. The word of God declares for the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty through God to the pulling down of strongholds. also Ephesians 6:12 for we wrestle not against flesh and Blood but against principalities, spiritual host of wickedness, rulers of darkness of this world. Everything you went through was not your fault beloved, we living in a wicked fallen world allow the Lord to open your eyes in the spirit so you can see clearly he will take away your burdens that are waring you down. We are in a spiritual warfare one that is unseen to the carnal eye but can only be perceived by the spirit. The battle can only be won in and through Christ Jesus the author and finisher of our Faith. Well God Bless you Shalom I cover your mind body soul and spirit under the Blood of Jesus and I speak Peace to your soul and trouble heart right now in Jesus name

    https://youtu.be/4aqX_Sx_WeA Let this Minister unto you.

    Matthew 11:28-30 KJV
    Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

    Psalm 147:3 KJV
    He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds.

    John 14:27 KJV
    Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.

    2 Corinthians 12:9 KJV
    And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

    Jeremiah 29:11 KJV
    For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.

    1. So kind of you to leave such a long response. I am not a believer. If he’d wanted to save me he could have answered all those prayers sent his way during those many years I suffered abuse. Now there’s no way he gets to swoop in and take credit for all the hard work I’m doing.

  2. Do you think the triggering trauma can also occur later in life? It seems so with a couple of friends I know who had a normal childhood but a troubled early adulthood.

  3. The healing journey sure is a unique journey. I get it. Not the same circumstances as you, but you are not alone. I hear you!

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