Dissociation is a mental process of disconnecting from one’s thoughts, feelings, memories or sense of identity. Most mental health professionals believe that the underlying cause of dissociative disorders is chronic trauma in childhood. – Better Health Channel
One day, after living for fifty years in a dissociative state, I woke up to discover thirty-seven trillion cells screaming my pain. Meanwhile, my brain was telling them none of that ever happened and that it wasn’t that bad, drama queens. Now let’s overeat to drown it all out. My body carries the memories that my brain refuses to accept as true. Not only did they cruelly abuse me, they programmed me to do it to myself. And I was so desperate to please them I excelled in these dysfunctional skills. They said no one would ever love me so I made damn sure no one would ever try. They said I was fat and ugly, so I believed them, and I figured you did too. I wasn't aware I was doing this. Now I’m tasked with not only letting go of those memories trapped inside of me, but also remaining aware of lies my mind tells me and changing those patterns. It’s strange, like finding out I need glasses when I thought the world was always blurry. If you see me crying, or raging, it’s ok to ask, only if you’re sincere. Hugs are appreciated, as are smiles. And if you’d sit with me in silence to show me I’m not alone, I’d be grateful. And if I truly am alone, oh well. Not like I’m not used to it. Soon enough they will come, so I best get me ready.