Out of the Mouths of Babes

This has been a week of triggers for me. Triggers are things happening today that take a person with PTSD back into their trauma.

For me, triggers are especially difficult because my abuse started long before I was able to verbalize what happened to me, so I isolate and lash out at others without really knowing why. I have made some progress in that I can now recognize I’m triggered, though usually not until I’m in the middle of it.

What helped was painting with my inner child. The kid within is 3 years old, very quiet, and trusts no one, including me. She’s madder’n hell at the whole world, and she expresses that anger through art.

I don’t know who this is or why they’re coming in my room in the middle of the night but I know I was so scared I couldn’t make a sound. For years I would wake from nightmares in a state of paralysis and unable to make more than a whispering sound.

I was raped at 14 by a 22 year old man. He got me drunk and parked on a dark road and had his way. Yes, that is a cop that came up to the car, and no, he never asked how old I was or why I was drunk. After that I felt there really was no one in the world that gave a damn about me and had sex with any man that wanted it. After all, I wasn’t shit but I at least received some affection for a few moments.

There are others, but I’ll share only one more for now.

These are the faces of all the people who knew I was abused and did nothing. The kid said they acted like they had no eyes, ears or mouth then so they deserve none now.

I deal with all this alone save a counseling session once a week. And I do so while holding down a full-time job and a part-time job because what I didn’t tell you about that income tax refund is I needed that money to pay my state taxes (my employer doesn’t take out state tax for me) and because I didn’t get the money when I expected it I had to use bill money instead. So for the past month I’ve been busting my hump on the weekends trying to get caught back up.

I tried to sign up for a certificate course at the local college. It’s not a degree, it’s a fucking certificate for taking four classes! But they need me to fill out lots of forms and get them copies of all my transcripts and it sounds sad but I can’t even do that. I mean, tonight I was finally making up my bed with the sheets I washed four days ago. I walked out of the room long enough to blow my nose and I came back to find Hissy had wiped his ass on my sheet. I lost it and cried for a half hour. This is how fragile I am right now.

When Just Drive Will You said his wife hugged him when he cried I thought what I wouldn’t give for someone to hug me. I’ve ached for touch so bad I’ve hooked up with men I didn’t know. I’ve been shunned for having sex with married men in the past but I chose them for a reason: these men found me so I knew they were gonna fuck somebody. At least with me they wouldn’t be messing up the head of some woman who would believe their bullshit. My head was already messed up.

Before today I had three people I paid to talk about this. I can’t do this alone any more. I’m so tired, but I have to keep going forward because going backward means eating a bullet, and I have to stay here to take care of my cats.

I need you to help me. I need you to encourage me. So please, listen to my story. Tell me you believe me (but only if you mean it). I know you can’t hug me in person, but if you could give me something – empathy, an acknowledgement that I am worth the struggle – I would be most grateful.

29 thoughts on “Out of the Mouths of Babes

  1. You know I believe you. I would pop back and give a hug to your inner child so that she isn’t so alone, if I could.

    I see all the people that chose to see nothing in shades of grey.

    I’m sorry you’re feeling so down at present.

    1. I think the faceless colorful dots was my way of showing how they are real, and I hate what every last one of them did to me. Thank you for being here for me. I am so grateful for your friendship.

      1. I wish we lived nearer!

        They do seem more real your way. My way, they tend to merge into each other. The enablers make me angry.

  2. Oh Jen. I am here for you. Your story is similar to several of the foster kids that came into my care, even if it was only short term. You are not alone. Sending you virtual hugs and positive vibes ❤ ❤ ❤

    1. It truly pisses me off that there are so many of us, and yet, like the gun violence here, no one really seems inclined to do anything about it. Put a bandaid on it and send them on their way and hope they find a decent therapist.

      1. I can well understand that. No-one has time for anyone who doesn’t conform to their tick list and patients are just a number as they pass through their doors.

  3. It’s similar to my own story. Start out with a family that doesn’t want me and everything went wrong was my fault. I certainly will believe you. I did the inner child and thanks to you, I think I will begin again. Virtual hug.

  4. There are people who believe you and admire your courage in confronting the ugliness. It takes great strength to face the past that was so frightening and damaging. Keep on keepin’ on. You will find your way to better tomorrows. ❣️

  5. I totally believe you! I get it and I understand your pain as I have been there. I am still there some days. I am giving you a virtual hug right now. You are so worthy of love. I wish that I could reach out and hold that precious 3 year old. I love you. ❤️

  6. Hey Jen, I believe you. I want you to know that you are enough just as you are. You are a brave person with a brave inner child. Sunny and my birds are the reason I get up everyday. Sometimes you just have to take it one day at a time, do what you can and forgive yourself for what you can’t do that day. Then try again tomorrow. I know the furries accept you just as you are and we do too. ((((HUGS))))

    1. THank you. Sometimes though I look around and see how good some people have it and I think, I’m not a bad person, so why are they living in castles and I’m still shoveling shit? Ya know what I mean?

  7. I definitely believe you. Thinking of all those kids who Uvalde who suffered the ultimate indignity while a cop ignored them . I also remind myself to hang on for the furries.

  8. I believe you and wish there were something more I could do than send you a virtual hug. I hope you get that refund money that was stolen from you.

    Cindy (Millie & Walter’s mom)

  9. I am very sorry for the traumas you have suffered. I think art is an excellent way to help you express yourself. I have no real words of comfort because I have not gone through what you have. I do believe you though and I am sending you a hug. XO

  10. Aww Jen😢😢😢😢your story brings back so much painful memories….. I pray you get through this…. You and all the many beautiful souls suffering this…. Be strong for us looking up to you💪🏽

  11. I’m so sorry you are in this state of turmoil. If I could, I’d give you a big hug. In the alternative, please consider this comment as a digital version. Please hang in there and know there are those who care about you and how you’re doing.

  12. I am so sorry those evil people inflicted such horrible things on you, Jen. I believe you, and I believe in you, my friend.

  13. i understand, and i send you a strong hug, i have what they like to label as complex ptsd, you have my respect and i wish for you a feeling of being understood, because i understand you,

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