A triggering fright.
Fight or flight?
Adrenaline surges.
Cortisol purges
normally,
but with PTSD
the system crashes.
The sufferer lashes
over a shopping cart
in a parking lot.
He uncomfortably tries
to leave as I apologize
for misdirected rage
acting much like a phage:
feeding, coiling,
infecting everything.
Emotions I couldn't experience
because it made her furious,
and a target knows
how to deflect the blows.
So why, today, did I react like that?
Fifty years ago she killed my cat.
Like this:
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Dogpaddling Through Life 
Bitch!!!
Oh wow! You actually read it! You know most of these other folks liking this post didn’t. And yes, she is a bitch and that was only one incident of many.
Double bitch!
Wow. That is totally unforgivable.
And yet she and all the good men and women of the local churches think that I should and that I’m lying anyway so if anything I should be asking forgiveness.
I’m so sorry. She knew how to hurt you – through a defenceless animal. I’m crying with you.
Sometimes I wonder how I survived.
Yes, I know that feeling. You were strong and resilient, worth so much more than any of them.
Some actions have no expiration date on the rage or pain they caused.
No. Thank you for being one who cares. I know many cannot stomach my truth. It makes the gift of connection from those that comment even more meaningful.
Yeah, I feel uncomfortable clicking Like on some poems. Consider it an acknowledgement of your pain.
Thank you. I write these things to help me and to help others like me.
So how are you doing?
What? Are you looking for love in the mental health community?
Of course I am. All the crazy ones are.
An audience. What are you looking for?
Oh no. Answer my question first. What are you looking for.
That is just horrible Jen, and I don’t know what to say. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. And for the poor little animal.
I can’t begin to explain how much she hated and still hates me, but she will go to any lengths to hurt me. I look forward to the day the bitch is dead; I’m gonna celebrate like the Munchkins of Oz.
Hey, I hope you’re doing okay now. I also have PTSD and found your writing so relatable.
Sending you warm hugs.
I genuinely hope that you heal from this very soon.
I am healing. Two years ago I couldn’t admit any of this to myself, much less anyone else. Thank you.
💜💜💜not ok
I have combat related issues like that, I don’t like the PTSD label, but that’s what it is. Combinations of anxiety, tension and learned responses. I think the cathartic thing is to realize that your weaknesses can be turned into strengths. You just have to make those personal changes. Your outbursts might be really negative now, but with some real determination they can be channeled to something more positive. Also, you have the power. THE POWER. To break the cycle you had to go through.
Thanks Ronin. The difference in combat PTSD and childhood narcissistic abuse is that children don’t see the problem. They think – and are told – they ARE the problem. And in the case of many narcissists, including my abuser, they put up a good front to others so that they also think the victim is the problem. I only came to realize the truth within the past two years, and some of it I still struggle to believe. So yeah, I’m working on behavior, but it’s way different from what you faced, and your experience was also traumatic. All I ask is you don’t be so quick to write us off as whiners that need to get their shit together because we’re doing the best we can
Oh, I don’t write off anyone. We all go through our own trials. Keep strong.
Dear Jen,
Wow! I concur with Ronin. This is indeed a highly impactful poem. Some wounds can be very deep and the hurt lingers.
I hope that you will have a wonderful autumn doing, enjoying or blogging whatever that satisfies you the most, including healing and regaining your wellbeing.
One of my strategies in dealing with hurt and past traumas is exercising being present in the moment with awareness and (engaged) mindfulness, which I have contemplated a great deal in my highly engaging and expansive post is entitled “🔄📈📉 Change Rules and Moment Matters: How to Stay in the Moment 🔖🕰️🔂“, published at
https://soundeagle.wordpress.com/2022/08/19/change-rules-and-moment-matters-how-to-stay-in-the-moment/
The said post opens with this paragraph:
I have been improving the post even more extensively, and it now has even more features, including additional music (my own compositions) and even more illustrations and animations. This post also discusses mindfulness, meditation, spirituality, religion, Nature and so on.
Thank you once again for your poem that is highly personal and engaging.
Wishing you and Ronin a mindful and suitably productive week doing or enjoying whatever that satisfies you the most, both intellectually and spiritually!
Yours sincerely,
SoundEagle
Whatever. I don’t take mental health advice from people who don’t know me.
Just wanted to stop by to thank you for your kind words and “sitting with us while we grieve” on the loss of our beautiful Cleopatra. I (dad of Cleo) appreciate you.
I’m sorry I haven’t been back. But you all have been in my thoughts, where I sit with you regularly.