Yella Fella was diagnosed with diabetes three weeks ago. He gets insulin twice a day and I’ve modified his diet to only canned food. His blood glucose level is still high but I’m working with the vet to get him stabilized.
In typical C-PTSD fashion, it’s all my fault. I should have caught it sooner. I should have been more careful with his diet, I should be a better person, etc. There’s a never-ending supply of negativity to feed myself, and the behavior is so ingrained I don’t realize I’m doing it.
I am incredibly lonely but I have no clue how to relate to people. And then there are the seemingly endless triggers that shut me down when I am around people. Those are usually because something happens that makes me think that 1) they don’t care, or 2) my autonomy is not being respected (which sounds a lot like #1).
When I’m triggered I feel threatened, so I emotionally shut down and defend myself by either fighting or fleeing. This results in over-the-top responses (fighting) or physically or mentally leaving the scene (fleeing). Yesterday, for example, I was triggered twice (that I am aware of). Later when I’d calmed down I saw both were the result of my feeling threatened because I felt no one cared.
This is the down and dirty of healing. It sucks bigtime, and there’s no damn wonder so many of us choose not to go here. I don’t look down on them at all. Sometimes I wish I hadn’t started this journey. But here we are and as I’ve come this far, I may as well keep going.
Healing Some days I am invincible. I let no one stand in my way, using but a dismissive glance to hold all aggressors at bay Some days I am open, in tune, connected to all living things, welcoming warming energy with all of the healing it brings. But some days I am still hiding within this self-imposed prison where no one is allowed inside and I’m safe from their derision. You see, I simply don’t trust you. I judge you using the scars from yesterday’s multiple stab wounds. It’s unfair, I know, and seems dumb. But it’s become second nature to me and I’m having one hell of a time making the changes that would release me from this cell. It’s like I’m looking at you through plexiglass. I want to reach through and form some sort of connection, but I have no idea how to. I’m devising an escape plan. Patience is needed; it’s slow go, and I really don’t like waiting, still my workmanship is thorough. One day instead of standing near, I will let you stand beside me. I’ll let you touch my many scars and marvel at my heart’s beauty.
Dogpaddling Through Life 
Purrayers to both you and Young Fella as you help each otheron your healing journeys.
Thank you. I am quite hopeful for my sweet Yella boy.
Gentle hugs, Jen. Sending purrs to you and Yella Fella. I completely get it.
I’m going to keep going because I want everyone who used and abused me to know they will never defeat me.
You’ve got this! 💕
Thanks!
Hugs!
Back at ya. Maybe. Ok, from a distance.
I will be praying your sweet boy is stabilized soon. It is not your fault. You are an excellent mom to him. XO
It doesn’t matter. I was taught that everything is always my fault, and I always was a good pupil.
Wishing continued healing for you and your kitty.
Thank you.
Healing takes a lot of courage. Kudos to you!
If I survived my childhood, I can survive this.
I get all of this. Wish I had words of comfort. But all I can offer is you aren’t alone in this way: I feel as you do in many respects (taking unearned blame, reading cues, firing up when I feel misunderstood). FWIW. Love you
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Thanks Roy ❤️
Hi Jen. Sending you and Yella Fella healing energy.
Thank you ❤️
Life ain’t easy but so worth the efforts to make it the best you can. One step at a time one day at a time.
Yes, a forward movement, no matter how slight, is still an improvement.
all the best to you and to Yella Fella….
Thank you ❤️
Wishing you both all the best. Don’t be so hard on yourself, although I experienced something similar in the past and I know it can be very difficult.
I wish I had the magic pill that would cause me to no longer be so hard on me.
I wish there was an easy answer.
I do as well. But there really isn’t.
Sending you positive vibes and energy Jen. Sorry to hear about Yella Fella, but you seem to be on top of it now and that’s what matters.
I’m trying. Thanks!
Jen, wishing you all the best in the healing process ❤ Thanks for the follow 🙂
It’s well with you and Yella 🙏
Love the way you have expressed your feelings in this one! 👌🏻😄