Today is National Awkward Moments Day, a day to celebrate life’s awkward and embarrassing moments, and boy, do I know how to celebrate THIS day!

I have all sorts of awkward encounters in my life. Like last night when I was picking up salmon at the seafood counter at the grocery and the person helping me was all sorts of chatty, but I never know what to say to people like that, so do I say something that may sound ridiculous, or do I say nothing and come off as rude? It’s a crap shoot either way. I tend to make those decisions based on the premise that most people are selfish and could care less what I think anyway, so I mumble something that makes them think I’m engaged when really all I want is to earn some money.

I mean, really, how many useless conversations do you neurotypical people engage in on a daily basis, and what purpose do they serve? Why do cashiers always ask me how my day has been when we both know I’m going to say “fine” whether it has been or not, and when they won’t remember tomorrow what one of the hundreds of people they check out actually said, except in the case of people like me who tend to say something awkward like, “today I had liver for breakfast,” which wouldn’t be so bad except that neurotypical people love to make fun of and harass people who are different, and people who eat liver for breakfast are one of their favorite targets.

They should have stores run by and for neurodivergent people like me. Like a pet store. We don’t have a decent pet store in the town where I live. We have a place that pretends to be a pet store that has limited supply of that high-dollar stuff that costs even more than it would online, even with shipping. The only real pet store we have is Walmart.

If I had the funding, I’d open a neurodivergent pet store here. It would be great. The shelves would be stocked and clean, and every employee would get a cell phone stipend because they’d spend a lot of time researching stuff customers asked them, like what percent of this brand of wet food is carbs. Or what’s the best chew toy for a Great Dane. And the employees would say stuff like, “don’t buy that bed because your Jack Russell will rip it to shreds before the sun goes down. Here, try this one instead.” And customers would be happy because nerds may not smile at you and ask how your day’s been, but they’ll help you get the perfect thing for your perfectly adorable pets, and that’s the main thing. Right?

Of course, the only down side to all that is when two neurodivergents are both interested in the same topic and start talking, the line at the cash register might get long. To remedy that, I’d simply install a buzzer that sounds like a really loud fart to jolt the employee back into the moment.

It might be awkward, but hey, we neurodivergents are used to awkward. After all, we live in a world with neurotypical people who love to remind us of how awkward we are.